Beat Myself

Joe with a hat she stole!!


Six Ft Hick were playing again. We were powerless to resist!

This time, they did not smash an ashtray over their heads, throw up in a champagne bucket or snog Joe to an inch of her life.

However, the ovaries did ping along to their testosterone fueled rock and the mosh pit was once again a huge hazard to young ladies with fragile lungs and glasses (Joe I did NOT implicate you directly!). We behaved very badly and pretended to be (pretended....acted like.....were) complete groupies and insisted on talking to the band afterwards. We met another nurse who was as enamoured with the hicks as we were. We were convinced he was gay until his hand slid up my tshirt and curled itself around my bra strap.

So anyway pictures of the delectableness.....




The guitarist Dan. He was lovely and indulged us in our drunken ramblings. For that I am grateful!




Gentle Ben.... I just can't refuse a man with a hairy chest...




...or in tight jeans. He has a stomach I could look at for the rest of my life!




Monkeying around on the ceiling joists. Note the bleeding on his back. This came from when he threw himself onto broken glass and spent the first ten minutes bleeding from various wounds on his back.

I should have been mortified.....but I felt strangely turned on....



Geoffro hinting at the fun you could have on his stomach




Beating on himself....





Making me just a bit more jellified in the knees.






And ending the show just as everyone would love to .

Hands down the pants and groaning!

Trainspotters And Psychopaths Form An Orderly Queue To The Left

Because of my shift patterns, I have not seen my 'many' friends for what has felt like years. Imagine my surprise then, when Joe calls me to say that she can meet me in Perth one afternoon last week.

(All I can say is that I'm glad Shazza has a blog or else I wouldn't have a clue to what was happening in her life.)

Joe and I met up in Perth CBD for my favourite of all favourites.

Sushi and wine!




We went to a sushi train place. We were completely distracted for the whole afternoon. It was what I imagine seagulls to do when they meet up for an afternoon gossip.

"So how are things at work.....oh my god, did you see those pork dumplings? We MUST get some of those!"

*swipe*

"Did you hear about the thing that happened with Dave's beard and that....GET IT, GET IT...I lurve chicken katsu"

*grab*

Shall we get another bottle of....CRISPY CHILLI SQUID?!... Flipping marvellous. Tuck in bird!"

*shovel*




...And so the afternoon went on. The waitresses (all Asian and beautiful and tiny) were outwardly astonished at the amount of food and alcohol we put away.

All I can say is that the stomach and the liver are mere muscles. I've exercised mine so that they can deal with the most accomplished of meals and the finest of wine!

To finish off the afternoon we decided on a wee tipple in northbridge just over the railway tracks. We located the last free seats in the place and set our bucket of wine down on the table.

This is when the "idiots Here" UV tattoo shone out.

The guy sitting at our table seemed normal enough. He was even a bit cute if you squizzed your eyes up a bit and didn't view him in focus.

He immediately told us he was over from Manchester and was hoping to live here and bring his wife and two kids over.

Aw, how sweet... thought I.

WRONG!

He then told me that in 'no fucking uncertain terms' could I trust my boyfriend and that he could almost guarantee that Dave was sleeping with someone else.

He didn't quite understand why we found that so hilarious!

He told us that he was in Oz so that he could turn his life around. His stays in The Priory for alcoholism and drug use were only very recent.

He proudly told us all about the twelve step programme he had embarked on.

As he sipped from his latest pint, Joe and I looked at each other and telepathically vowed to flee from the scene!

Aye Aye Cap'n

My day out at the Opticians...

It started really well when I couldn't even see where the place was! When I eventually fell upon the shop I was late and flustered at the sight of the Adonis who was to gaze into my eyes!

Tall with lovely arms ( I have a thing for manly forearms). Blue eyes to float away in. Blond with shorn hair that demanded a hand to run through it's stubbly gloriousness.....

Flipping stupid eyes. They, of course suddenly perked up and behaved themselves for this specimen of magnificence.

As he shyly flirted with me (in my imagination!) from under his unbelievably long eyelashes he commended me on my near perfect vision. I say near perfect as I believe the only mistake I made in the whole exam was when I lost myself in a flutter when he raised his lovely arm and absent-mindedly rubbed the spikey golden hairs on his crown.

Tomorrow I am going to write to my local Health Minister and demand that the government ban witty and good looking men with handsome fore-arms from becoming Opticians.

.....Just like they did with Doctors!

I See Said The Blind Man To The Deaf Horse?!

.....me yesterday.

That's it. I've been thirty for less than three months and already IT'S happening. I thought I'd have at least a few more good years in me.

I confess I've had a few grey hairs since I was a teenager. It didn't bother me much; I just quickly took up the profession of hair colourist. I've been able to deny my increasing maturity (obviously not mental maturity...pff) ever since.

But this? Next stop, I'll find myself waking up one morning and nonchalantly tucking my envelope boobs into my gargantuan 'three for a fiver' market stall knickers.

I. Simply. Cannot. Let. This Happen!

My problem this week? I think I need glasseess.

The fact that I'm covering my left eye whilst I type may have finally convinced me to go to one of those 'eye people'. I've been telling people at work (amidst my moaning about the whole left side of my world going fuzzy and pogo-ing around the place) that I simply can't be blind. I had one of those eye tests and they said I had perfect vision.

I realised, however, that that eye test was in fact twelve years ago and it was paid for by my now deceased grandmother.

Maybe it was time for another run of the old letters board?

I somewhat stupidly confided in Dave. Was I expecting some sympathy? Some lovely murmurings of "I'll still love you" or "I bet you'd look really sexy in glasses" perhaps?

Nope.

What I received was a show stopping rendition of "Four eyes...You've got four eyes" alongside a dance move which comprised of him jumping around the kitchen, his hands clasped into circles, thrusting his fists into his face and gyrating his hips!

A few hours later when I thought that the whole sorry subject was finally over, he turned to me and asked...

"Because it's only your left eye, do you think they'll give you a monocle?"

It's A Long Way To The Shop........!

I'm sorry, I just had to....






Aren't they just beautiful?

It's A Long Way To The Shop If You Wanna Sausage Roll

The House.

In an unusual twist of fate, the builders are actually telling us that the house will be finished before Christmas now.

Now comes the horror of decorating. Eek!

Natalies Top Ten Nursing Tales.

This month, I have been a fully qualified nurse for nine whole years. I thought I would regal my many tales of hilarity to you.

I hope you're not offended by poo and bums!?

1. The man who I naively thought was having a seizure. Hey I was still only a student at this point in time. I held his hand for several minutes trying to ease his distress.
   
   He wasn't distressed
   
   .....Which became vividly apparent when it came to me changing his nappy. Dirty old fucker!
   
   
   
2. The old nun who died in the care of a male colleague. He felt that it was wrong for him to lay her out (quite rightly) and asked me to do the last offices. Unfortunately he didn't actually help me with my horrific workload and so by the time I managed to flounce into her room adorned with lovely smelling soaps and enough plastic sheeting to wrap the entire village, her legs were rigor-mortised in a 'Marilyn-on-the-grate' position.
   
   Cue many fears about me not being allowed to frolic in the kingdom of heaven with a half naked Brad Pitt because one of Gods disciples was buried in a Y shaped coffin.
   
   
   
3. The woman who thought it hilarious to pick small scraps of poo from her derriere , roll it between her palms and try and offer it up to various members of nursing staff as 'maltesers'!
   
   She nearly had one of the newly qualified nurses convinced. Nearly!
   
   
   
4. The worst trannie ever resplendent with bald spot , an Adams apple, feet borrowed from a yeti, James Earl Jones voice and to top it all off, a tattoo of a bald eagle on her forearm. She sat her 6'4" frame on the edge of the hospital bed and tinkled at the med students pathetic jokes while twirling her pearls between her gargantuan fingers.
   
   Brave woman but please....don't ever wear open toed sandals and NEVER name your new self after a character in Grease!
   
   
   
5. The patient with the penile implant. Some stupid arsed nurse (or nurse with an evil sense of humour) had written in the care plan (the plan containing all that needs to be done for that particular patient) to conduct neuro vascular observations including monitoring capillary return (touching the permanently erect 'thing' and monitoring how quickly the white skin turns back to pink..??!), checking for pulses (eek) and checking for sensory differences...ie "Sir does this feel different? How about this? No? How about when I touch it here?" This is all to be done whilst offering 'patient reassurance re: penile implant'.
   
   Hmmm, not exactly why I got into nursing and if I was wanting to go into 'that line of work' then I would be expecting a far better wage and a much more handsome (wipe clean) uniform!
   
   
   
6. The patient who came into hospital with a manky toe. The whole toe was necrotic (dead) and black like the peat bog man. One morning when I was doing his dressing, his toe FELL OFF in my hand.
   
   That was a very good day!
   
   
   
7. The man who after undergoing an operation to remove the 15 inch black rubber dildo from his rectum anxiously enquired what they had done with his best friend. He was terrified that the hospital staff were going to throw away his most prized possession and kept grabbing the nursing staff crying "I need that, but I need that"
   
   
   
8. The patient that came in with a necrotising fasciatis of his willy. They skinned him like a rabbit and took half of his scrots away. When I stuck my hand into his abdominal cavity to dress the surgical wounds (the cavity went all the way to his belly button) I wriggled my exposed fingers out of the other end of the wound.
   
   That was when my student fainted!
   
   
   
9. The little old confused man who went missing in the middle of the night. The police found him two miles down the road wearing nothing but his backless hospital gown baring his shriveled old bottom to the passing traffic and walking his zimmer frame up the middle of the dual carriageway!
   
   How he managed to get himself that far, we'll never know.
   
   
   
10. One morning when I was working in A&E a young man was wheeled into the department on his all fours on a ambulance trolley. His wife and two little blond haired kids came scurrying in after him.
    
    When questioned, the young man stated that he had merely been hoovering in the nude and had somehow 'sat on the dyson'.
    
    It didn't convince anyone!