Aye Aye Cap'n

My day out at the Opticians...

It started really well when I couldn't even see where the place was! When I eventually fell upon the shop I was late and flustered at the sight of the Adonis who was to gaze into my eyes!

Tall with lovely arms ( I have a thing for manly forearms). Blue eyes to float away in. Blond with shorn hair that demanded a hand to run through it's stubbly gloriousness.....

Flipping stupid eyes. They, of course suddenly perked up and behaved themselves for this specimen of magnificence.

As he shyly flirted with me (in my imagination!) from under his unbelievably long eyelashes he commended me on my near perfect vision. I say near perfect as I believe the only mistake I made in the whole exam was when I lost myself in a flutter when he raised his lovely arm and absent-mindedly rubbed the spikey golden hairs on his crown.

Tomorrow I am going to write to my local Health Minister and demand that the government ban witty and good looking men with handsome fore-arms from becoming Opticians.

.....Just like they did with Doctors!

I See Said The Blind Man To The Deaf Horse?!

.....me yesterday.

That's it. I've been thirty for less than three months and already IT'S happening. I thought I'd have at least a few more good years in me.

I confess I've had a few grey hairs since I was a teenager. It didn't bother me much; I just quickly took up the profession of hair colourist. I've been able to deny my increasing maturity (obviously not mental maturity...pff) ever since.

But this? Next stop, I'll find myself waking up one morning and nonchalantly tucking my envelope boobs into my gargantuan 'three for a fiver' market stall knickers.

I. Simply. Cannot. Let. This Happen!

My problem this week? I think I need glasseess.

The fact that I'm covering my left eye whilst I type may have finally convinced me to go to one of those 'eye people'. I've been telling people at work (amidst my moaning about the whole left side of my world going fuzzy and pogo-ing around the place) that I simply can't be blind. I had one of those eye tests and they said I had perfect vision.

I realised, however, that that eye test was in fact twelve years ago and it was paid for by my now deceased grandmother.

Maybe it was time for another run of the old letters board?

I somewhat stupidly confided in Dave. Was I expecting some sympathy? Some lovely murmurings of "I'll still love you" or "I bet you'd look really sexy in glasses" perhaps?

Nope.

What I received was a show stopping rendition of "Four eyes...You've got four eyes" alongside a dance move which comprised of him jumping around the kitchen, his hands clasped into circles, thrusting his fists into his face and gyrating his hips!

A few hours later when I thought that the whole sorry subject was finally over, he turned to me and asked...

"Because it's only your left eye, do you think they'll give you a monocle?"

It's A Long Way To The Shop........!

I'm sorry, I just had to....






Aren't they just beautiful?

It's A Long Way To The Shop If You Wanna Sausage Roll

The House.

In an unusual twist of fate, the builders are actually telling us that the house will be finished before Christmas now.

Now comes the horror of decorating. Eek!

Natalies Top Ten Nursing Tales.

This month, I have been a fully qualified nurse for nine whole years. I thought I would regal my many tales of hilarity to you.

I hope you're not offended by poo and bums!?

1. The man who I naively thought was having a seizure. Hey I was still only a student at this point in time. I held his hand for several minutes trying to ease his distress.
   
   He wasn't distressed
   
   .....Which became vividly apparent when it came to me changing his nappy. Dirty old fucker!
   
   
   
2. The old nun who died in the care of a male colleague. He felt that it was wrong for him to lay her out (quite rightly) and asked me to do the last offices. Unfortunately he didn't actually help me with my horrific workload and so by the time I managed to flounce into her room adorned with lovely smelling soaps and enough plastic sheeting to wrap the entire village, her legs were rigor-mortised in a 'Marilyn-on-the-grate' position.
   
   Cue many fears about me not being allowed to frolic in the kingdom of heaven with a half naked Brad Pitt because one of Gods disciples was buried in a Y shaped coffin.
   
   
   
3. The woman who thought it hilarious to pick small scraps of poo from her derriere , roll it between her palms and try and offer it up to various members of nursing staff as 'maltesers'!
   
   She nearly had one of the newly qualified nurses convinced. Nearly!
   
   
   
4. The worst trannie ever resplendent with bald spot , an Adams apple, feet borrowed from a yeti, James Earl Jones voice and to top it all off, a tattoo of a bald eagle on her forearm. She sat her 6'4" frame on the edge of the hospital bed and tinkled at the med students pathetic jokes while twirling her pearls between her gargantuan fingers.
   
   Brave woman but please....don't ever wear open toed sandals and NEVER name your new self after a character in Grease!
   
   
   
5. The patient with the penile implant. Some stupid arsed nurse (or nurse with an evil sense of humour) had written in the care plan (the plan containing all that needs to be done for that particular patient) to conduct neuro vascular observations including monitoring capillary return (touching the permanently erect 'thing' and monitoring how quickly the white skin turns back to pink..??!), checking for pulses (eek) and checking for sensory differences...ie "Sir does this feel different? How about this? No? How about when I touch it here?" This is all to be done whilst offering 'patient reassurance re: penile implant'.
   
   Hmmm, not exactly why I got into nursing and if I was wanting to go into 'that line of work' then I would be expecting a far better wage and a much more handsome (wipe clean) uniform!
   
   
   
6. The patient who came into hospital with a manky toe. The whole toe was necrotic (dead) and black like the peat bog man. One morning when I was doing his dressing, his toe FELL OFF in my hand.
   
   That was a very good day!
   
   
   
7. The man who after undergoing an operation to remove the 15 inch black rubber dildo from his rectum anxiously enquired what they had done with his best friend. He was terrified that the hospital staff were going to throw away his most prized possession and kept grabbing the nursing staff crying "I need that, but I need that"
   
   
   
8. The patient that came in with a necrotising fasciatis of his willy. They skinned him like a rabbit and took half of his scrots away. When I stuck my hand into his abdominal cavity to dress the surgical wounds (the cavity went all the way to his belly button) I wriggled my exposed fingers out of the other end of the wound.
   
   That was when my student fainted!
   
   
   
9. The little old confused man who went missing in the middle of the night. The police found him two miles down the road wearing nothing but his backless hospital gown baring his shriveled old bottom to the passing traffic and walking his zimmer frame up the middle of the dual carriageway!
   
   How he managed to get himself that far, we'll never know.
   
   
   
10. One morning when I was working in A&E a young man was wheeled into the department on his all fours on a ambulance trolley. His wife and two little blond haired kids came scurrying in after him.
    
    When questioned, the young man stated that he had merely been hoovering in the nude and had somehow 'sat on the dyson'.
    
    It didn't convince anyone!
    

Ten Good Boozers

As inspired by Jane...

1. The Ocean Beach Hotel, Cottesloe, WA. Or the OBH as it's affectionately known to the locals of Cottesloe. It overlooks the Indian Ocean, has windows that collapse in on themselves creating a verandah with which to catch the breeze
   
   
   The View From the OBH... the very beach that some poor old bugger got ripped in half by a great white shark in 2000! Ain't it beautiful?
   
   
2. Shoeless Eds Cantina Bar, Plymouth, UK. A bar decked out like a South American Whores boudoir!
   
   Jason and I having 'a quiet drink'! You can't see how brilliant this place was. There was a fountain in the doorway and various washing lines strung across the high ceiling decked out with lingerie. With every pint bought they would give you a free chilli tequila. It was NEVER a quiet night when Jason and I would go out!
   
   
3. The Highwayman Inn, Dartmoor, UK. I used to go the the Highwayman Inn with James. We would ride on his motorbike and then have a couple of their homemade ciders. James always said that the three birds that ran the place were white witches. I have no reason to disbelieve him!
   
   Especially when you walk around the pub and stumble across rooms like this one.
   ...or the one completely full with stuffed roadkill!!
   
   
   
4. Cafe Savannah, Ibiza. Ali and I would make an annual pilgrimage to the place. The sunsets were spectacular.
   
   The view from Savannah.
   ...I know, I can't help but take photos of the sunsets. I have albums and albums full of photos of clouds and pink skies. Thank god for digital cameras these days!
   
   
5. Little Creatures, Fremantle, WA. A micro brewery in Freo. The place used to be a crocodile farm hence the name. They make very fine pale ale and serve the best coriander and lime squid...
   
   
   It's a wonderful thing to be drinking in a place surrounded by beer vats!
   
   
6. Toko, Bournemouth, UK A very funky place set in the heart of Bournemouth. The place to go if you want to be part of the trendy set.
   
   
   The whole place is teeming with fishes. There are floor to ceiling fish tanks everywhere. I sometimes miss my old high heeled days.
   
   
7. Club Tropicana, Aberdeen, UK. Not exactly a pub but so fabulous I just couldn't miss it out! It's exactly what it says it is. An eighties inspired/themed club where you can purchase a grass skirt alongside your glass of beer. The disco lights are rubiks cubes and they will happily play you Boy Meets Girl or Pat Benatar!
   
   
   
   
8. The Waterfront, Plymouth, UK A place where Jason used to work when we were at Uni together. They would make cocktails and you could sit on the sea wall drinking them
   
   
   The view from the beer garden
   ...Until my ward managers (elderly) husband got incredibly drunk one Christmas ward night out. He went to vomit over the wall and the bouncers had to pull him back over the wall by his trousers!
   
   
9. The Oyster Bar, Fremantle, WA. There is no roof, it's practically on the beach and there are sunloungers and floor cushions lying about everywhere.
   
   
   Joe and I lazing on a day bed sampling the oysters. And beer!
   
   
10. EJ's, Torquay, UK. Back in my wild heyday. This was a place where it was positively encouraged to dance on the tables and graffitti on the toilet doors (the doors were painted with blackboard paint and there was a big box of chalk next to the bog...hmm, doesn't sound quite as great as it did when I was 21!)
    
    
    
    

Who Wot I Look Like....Proper!

My Chinese ex boyfriend always told me I looked like him!?