Natalies Top Ten Nursing Tales.

This month, I have been a fully qualified nurse for nine whole years. I thought I would regal my many tales of hilarity to you.

I hope you're not offended by poo and bums!?

1. The man who I naively thought was having a seizure. Hey I was still only a student at this point in time. I held his hand for several minutes trying to ease his distress.
   
   He wasn't distressed
   
   .....Which became vividly apparent when it came to me changing his nappy. Dirty old fucker!
   
   
   
2. The old nun who died in the care of a male colleague. He felt that it was wrong for him to lay her out (quite rightly) and asked me to do the last offices. Unfortunately he didn't actually help me with my horrific workload and so by the time I managed to flounce into her room adorned with lovely smelling soaps and enough plastic sheeting to wrap the entire village, her legs were rigor-mortised in a 'Marilyn-on-the-grate' position.
   
   Cue many fears about me not being allowed to frolic in the kingdom of heaven with a half naked Brad Pitt because one of Gods disciples was buried in a Y shaped coffin.
   
   
   
3. The woman who thought it hilarious to pick small scraps of poo from her derriere , roll it between her palms and try and offer it up to various members of nursing staff as 'maltesers'!
   
   She nearly had one of the newly qualified nurses convinced. Nearly!
   
   
   
4. The worst trannie ever resplendent with bald spot , an Adams apple, feet borrowed from a yeti, James Earl Jones voice and to top it all off, a tattoo of a bald eagle on her forearm. She sat her 6'4" frame on the edge of the hospital bed and tinkled at the med students pathetic jokes while twirling her pearls between her gargantuan fingers.
   
   Brave woman but please....don't ever wear open toed sandals and NEVER name your new self after a character in Grease!
   
   
   
5. The patient with the penile implant. Some stupid arsed nurse (or nurse with an evil sense of humour) had written in the care plan (the plan containing all that needs to be done for that particular patient) to conduct neuro vascular observations including monitoring capillary return (touching the permanently erect 'thing' and monitoring how quickly the white skin turns back to pink..??!), checking for pulses (eek) and checking for sensory differences...ie "Sir does this feel different? How about this? No? How about when I touch it here?" This is all to be done whilst offering 'patient reassurance re: penile implant'.
   
   Hmmm, not exactly why I got into nursing and if I was wanting to go into 'that line of work' then I would be expecting a far better wage and a much more handsome (wipe clean) uniform!
   
   
   
6. The patient who came into hospital with a manky toe. The whole toe was necrotic (dead) and black like the peat bog man. One morning when I was doing his dressing, his toe FELL OFF in my hand.
   
   That was a very good day!
   
   
   
7. The man who after undergoing an operation to remove the 15 inch black rubber dildo from his rectum anxiously enquired what they had done with his best friend. He was terrified that the hospital staff were going to throw away his most prized possession and kept grabbing the nursing staff crying "I need that, but I need that"
   
   
   
8. The patient that came in with a necrotising fasciatis of his willy. They skinned him like a rabbit and took half of his scrots away. When I stuck my hand into his abdominal cavity to dress the surgical wounds (the cavity went all the way to his belly button) I wriggled my exposed fingers out of the other end of the wound.
   
   That was when my student fainted!
   
   
   
9. The little old confused man who went missing in the middle of the night. The police found him two miles down the road wearing nothing but his backless hospital gown baring his shriveled old bottom to the passing traffic and walking his zimmer frame up the middle of the dual carriageway!
   
   How he managed to get himself that far, we'll never know.
   
   
   
10. One morning when I was working in A&E a young man was wheeled into the department on his all fours on a ambulance trolley. His wife and two little blond haired kids came scurrying in after him.
    
    When questioned, the young man stated that he had merely been hoovering in the nude and had somehow 'sat on the dyson'.
    
    It didn't convince anyone!