Seven Legged Spider

This made me laugh so hard that I forgot I was at work and needed to maintain a certain level of sobriety!

If only life was this simple.


...and then after the debacle the drawing managed to sell on ebay for thousands of dollars. What a genius!

Advert Posted On The Student Board At Dave's University

"Free to Good Home

Castrated two year old German Shepard Cross male.
Good with children. Affectionate nature.
Unable to breed from due to skin condition."



....?

Um, there may be a slightly more relevant reason why you wouldn't be able to breed from this hound...

Plums, anyone?



NB: Please bear in mind that Dave's students are mostly in training to become Vets! There is no hope. Hide your pets now people.

My New Favouritest Thing

Things I have learnt in the short time (ie: since Tuesday) we have had a spa:

• The neighbours now think we're making porn movies due to the psychedelic lights emanating from the corner of our garden along side the sounds of giggling and the frothy tones of bubbles.
  
• Poppy thinks that chlorinated water is a viable alternative to tap water
• Anyone who is under 5'6" will be drowned in our spa. Terribly sorry Joe and Shaz!
  
• That a 35 degree water temperature is too hot during the daytime but at 35 degrees, when the sun drops you can't help but shiver. After dark, anything less than body temperature is "freezing". That's why I stayed in for nearly an hour on Sunday! Honest.
  
• We would never have been able to have a spa in Aberdeen. We would have ended up with frost bite even in the height of the summer. Just the act of hopping across the garden decked out in your finest spangly bikini would have been enough cold to lose a toe.
• Our garden looks lovely in the evening when immersed in bubbles, holding a glass of sauvignon in your hand and watching the waxing moon lighting up the lemon tree.
• You can still get sunburned even whilst huddled well under the water line. Still, it's funny how my legs seem to repel sunlight while my shoulders seem to scream "let me at 'em"!
  
• It's fun debuting three new bikinis and being able to tell Dave (truthfully) that each one was made by a starving sweatshop child in some Indonesian country. I bloody LOVE Primark. I mean FOUR pounds! How can they afford to sell them at that fee? I miss the homeland sometimes. Especially when on buying the aforementioned bargains, the woman on the counter jokingly enquired why I wasn't buying welly boots with my bikinis. I had immense pleasure in replying "because I live in Australia. We have summer there!" Cruel, moi? A small price to pay for being away from the ones who matter.
  

An Unexpected Conversation

My beau. My better half. The mature and sensible side to this partnership. I give you my 41 year old boyfriend.

Friday evening. Better Homes and Gardens on the television. The 'Creative' comes onto the telly to show you how to make manky old flip flops into 'art'. The boy clears his throat...

Him: 'Do you think my nose is a bit weird?'

Me: 'Wha?'

Him *prodding at the side of his nose*: 'Do you think it's a bit skinny?'

Him: '...and lumpy?'

Me: '...'

Him: 'It's just that Poppy mentioned something to me earlier'

Me: 'Poppy? Our German Shepard Mutt who is currently paying far too much time to her doggy girlie bits for it to be entirely normal? Or hygienic?'

Him: 'Yes. Princess Poppy. The P. Dog. Popstar.'

Me: '....'

Him: 'Well?'

Me: 'I'm going for wine. I may be a while...'

Letter To Reknowned Australian Chocolate Company...

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to inform you of a very concerning incident that occurred today. I am a nurse working on a busy Oncology ward in Western Australia. One of our elderly patients very kindly bought the members of staff a box of your ‘After Dinner Indulgence’ chocolates. This was a very kind gesture from a patient who not only is a pensioner with a low income but a person with a terminal illness who has many other things to think about than poor quality chocolates.

Our patient took great delight in presenting us with this box of chocolates, so much so that he insisted that we open them there and then so he could take pleasure from seeing us enjoying them.

Imagine our shock when on removing the cellophane and opening the box, a moth flew out. On further inspection, a large yellow maggot was found, wrapped delicately around the coconut torte. So surprised was one of our nurses that she collapsed, launching the box in the air.

As you can imagine, much madness ensued.

The resus team was called and the nurse was resuscitated on the floor to an audience of patients, relatives and the old ladies that sell sweets from a roving trolley. The doctors worked valiantly using shots of adrenaline and atropine mixed with cries of "you WILL NOT die, God Damn you". Fortunately only one round with the defib machine was required before we managed to find a pulse and the nurse woozily came round.

Meanwhile the maggot escaped his chocolaty hideout undulating towards the nearest patient who happened to have a very nasty wound on his foot. There he found solace hidden amongst the rotting flesh.

We searched high and low for the beast whilst evacuating the patients into the unit next door. The pest control team were called and arrived adorned with fluorescent over-alls and WW2 gas masks. They commando rolled into the unit lobbing gas bombs to all corners of the ward.

Through the fog I detected the patient sobbing uncontrollably.

This is when I thought 'enough is enough. No-one makes my patients cry' (unless it's me with an ill aimed needle). Mr Big Chocolate Manufacturer Man, you have made me very cross. Patients do not need to worry themselves about the quality of the chocolate that they offer to the angels working within our health care system.

I ask you, how would you feel? All I request is an affirmation that this has been a disservice towards the hard working health professionals and patients Australia wide.

....a small holiday in Bali might cover the angst felt during this stressful time

Yours sincerely

Natalie *******

PS If you were wondering, the patients wound came up lovely after the maggots feast. Thank god for small mercies!

The coconut torte....

The very caramello caramel. No chocolate was spared!

NB: I do realise that the above creature is not actually a maggot but a weevil. I know this as it was diagnosed by a Vet... yes, so horrific was this case, a vet was consulted!

The Best Photo Opportunity Ever

My new job is as a palliative care nurse. This involves me dealing with dying people quite a lot. Luckily for me I love my new job. Moi, a little odd? Why of course!

My boss, and fortunately my friend, John and I were involved in a photo shoot to promote out area.

Picture the scene. We were standing there in the corridor sprightly dressed with empathic demeanour's on our faces with the photographer snapping away as if we were celebrities.

Then all of a sudden like something out of a horror movie, the 'dead trolley'* glides by as if on wheels** prompting John and I to chant "Take the picture now! Now! Now!"

The photographer, who has an irrational fear of sick people (she's a medical photographer?!) turned a hospital shade of grey and had to sit down to get over the trauma of 'nearly seeing someone dead but wrapped in a plastic sheet and encased in a metal box so I couldn't see'!

Except it was actually empty at the time. It would never glide if it was full. It has a stereotypically zombie-esque squeaky wheel!



* The trolley used to transport the 'diseased'
** ...because it was actually, hmm, on wheels!

Question..

... When a good friend says that they are sending me 'a little package' from Bolivia, should I worry?

The Sights You see When You Don't Have A Gun (And You're Queueing For Another Visa To Let You Stay In The Country )

In my spare time I like to do charity work. Helping the needy. Caring for those who cannot fathom the daily banalities of life. That sort of unsung hero type of work.

Recently I escorted Joe to have her mandatory X-Ray for her Aussie visa. Saying that she was a little worried about it was like saying that Hitler was a little bit naughty! I had to literally frogmarch her into the building and sit on her handbag so she wouldn't run away.

Luckily we met a complete idiot in the queue which took her mind off things for a while.

The man in the queue in front of us didn't speak much English. We were perplexed when he started looking Joe up and down while tapping with his pointy finger at the sign stating that "if this is your first visit, you will be required to provide a urine sample. Drinking water is available around the corner next to the toilets".

...?

Joe obviously found him extremely offensive and proceeded to make derogatory remarks loud enough for me to become worried about immigratory violence. If it had come down to it though, my money would have been on Joe. Even though this chap had a mean looking moustache and an ability to spit whilst talking, you should never underestimate the ferocity of a girl forced to have an X-Ray against her will.

When he eventually got to the woman behind the desk (after much complaining and questioning Joe personally why there was a delay to his appointment to which she replied with cute and imaginative swear words!) he had to have his photograph taken. Joe and I could not hide our glee when all we could hear was...

Her: *click* I'm sorry sir, you blinked in that one, I'll have to take it again.

Him: ...

Her: *click* Oh, Sir, you blinked again

Him: ...

Her: *click* ...and again

Him: ...

Her: *click* Sir, could you please stop screwing your face up. I really need your picture

Him: ....

Her: *click* Really Sir, Do you actually WANT your next visa?


If only it was that easy to keep the fuckwits out of this country!

My Uncle Michael

Back home. Dem'shire spek.



Pangs of homesickness!