I. Live. Here!

Flipping eck, am I glad.



I never got this in Plimuff!

Everyone. Party at my place.

Bring beer!

Beat Myself

Joe with a hat she stole!!


Six Ft Hick were playing again. We were powerless to resist!

This time, they did not smash an ashtray over their heads, throw up in a champagne bucket or snog Joe to an inch of her life.

However, the ovaries did ping along to their testosterone fueled rock and the mosh pit was once again a huge hazard to young ladies with fragile lungs and glasses (Joe I did NOT implicate you directly!). We behaved very badly and pretended to be (pretended....acted like.....were) complete groupies and insisted on talking to the band afterwards. We met another nurse who was as enamoured with the hicks as we were. We were convinced he was gay until his hand slid up my tshirt and curled itself around my bra strap.

So anyway pictures of the delectableness.....




The guitarist Dan. He was lovely and indulged us in our drunken ramblings. For that I am grateful!




Gentle Ben.... I just can't refuse a man with a hairy chest...




...or in tight jeans. He has a stomach I could look at for the rest of my life!




Monkeying around on the ceiling joists. Note the bleeding on his back. This came from when he threw himself onto broken glass and spent the first ten minutes bleeding from various wounds on his back.

I should have been mortified.....but I felt strangely turned on....



Geoffro hinting at the fun you could have on his stomach




Beating on himself....





Making me just a bit more jellified in the knees.






And ending the show just as everyone would love to .

Hands down the pants and groaning!

Trainspotters And Psychopaths Form An Orderly Queue To The Left

Because of my shift patterns, I have not seen my 'many' friends for what has felt like years. Imagine my surprise then, when Joe calls me to say that she can meet me in Perth one afternoon last week.

(All I can say is that I'm glad Shazza has a blog or else I wouldn't have a clue to what was happening in her life.)

Joe and I met up in Perth CBD for my favourite of all favourites.

Sushi and wine!




We went to a sushi train place. We were completely distracted for the whole afternoon. It was what I imagine seagulls to do when they meet up for an afternoon gossip.

"So how are things at work.....oh my god, did you see those pork dumplings? We MUST get some of those!"

*swipe*

"Did you hear about the thing that happened with Dave's beard and that....GET IT, GET IT...I lurve chicken katsu"

*grab*

Shall we get another bottle of....CRISPY CHILLI SQUID?!... Flipping marvellous. Tuck in bird!"

*shovel*




...And so the afternoon went on. The waitresses (all Asian and beautiful and tiny) were outwardly astonished at the amount of food and alcohol we put away.

All I can say is that the stomach and the liver are mere muscles. I've exercised mine so that they can deal with the most accomplished of meals and the finest of wine!

To finish off the afternoon we decided on a wee tipple in northbridge just over the railway tracks. We located the last free seats in the place and set our bucket of wine down on the table.

This is when the "idiots Here" UV tattoo shone out.

The guy sitting at our table seemed normal enough. He was even a bit cute if you squizzed your eyes up a bit and didn't view him in focus.

He immediately told us he was over from Manchester and was hoping to live here and bring his wife and two kids over.

Aw, how sweet... thought I.

WRONG!

He then told me that in 'no fucking uncertain terms' could I trust my boyfriend and that he could almost guarantee that Dave was sleeping with someone else.

He didn't quite understand why we found that so hilarious!

He told us that he was in Oz so that he could turn his life around. His stays in The Priory for alcoholism and drug use were only very recent.

He proudly told us all about the twelve step programme he had embarked on.

As he sipped from his latest pint, Joe and I looked at each other and telepathically vowed to flee from the scene!

Aye Aye Cap'n

My day out at the Opticians...

It started really well when I couldn't even see where the place was! When I eventually fell upon the shop I was late and flustered at the sight of the Adonis who was to gaze into my eyes!

Tall with lovely arms ( I have a thing for manly forearms). Blue eyes to float away in. Blond with shorn hair that demanded a hand to run through it's stubbly gloriousness.....

Flipping stupid eyes. They, of course suddenly perked up and behaved themselves for this specimen of magnificence.

As he shyly flirted with me (in my imagination!) from under his unbelievably long eyelashes he commended me on my near perfect vision. I say near perfect as I believe the only mistake I made in the whole exam was when I lost myself in a flutter when he raised his lovely arm and absent-mindedly rubbed the spikey golden hairs on his crown.

Tomorrow I am going to write to my local Health Minister and demand that the government ban witty and good looking men with handsome fore-arms from becoming Opticians.

.....Just like they did with Doctors!

I See Said The Blind Man To The Deaf Horse?!

.....me yesterday.

That's it. I've been thirty for less than three months and already IT'S happening. I thought I'd have at least a few more good years in me.

I confess I've had a few grey hairs since I was a teenager. It didn't bother me much; I just quickly took up the profession of hair colourist. I've been able to deny my increasing maturity (obviously not mental maturity...pff) ever since.

But this? Next stop, I'll find myself waking up one morning and nonchalantly tucking my envelope boobs into my gargantuan 'three for a fiver' market stall knickers.

I. Simply. Cannot. Let. This Happen!

My problem this week? I think I need glasseess.

The fact that I'm covering my left eye whilst I type may have finally convinced me to go to one of those 'eye people'. I've been telling people at work (amidst my moaning about the whole left side of my world going fuzzy and pogo-ing around the place) that I simply can't be blind. I had one of those eye tests and they said I had perfect vision.

I realised, however, that that eye test was in fact twelve years ago and it was paid for by my now deceased grandmother.

Maybe it was time for another run of the old letters board?

I somewhat stupidly confided in Dave. Was I expecting some sympathy? Some lovely murmurings of "I'll still love you" or "I bet you'd look really sexy in glasses" perhaps?

Nope.

What I received was a show stopping rendition of "Four eyes...You've got four eyes" alongside a dance move which comprised of him jumping around the kitchen, his hands clasped into circles, thrusting his fists into his face and gyrating his hips!

A few hours later when I thought that the whole sorry subject was finally over, he turned to me and asked...

"Because it's only your left eye, do you think they'll give you a monocle?"

It's A Long Way To The Shop........!

I'm sorry, I just had to....






Aren't they just beautiful?

It's A Long Way To The Shop If You Wanna Sausage Roll

The House.

In an unusual twist of fate, the builders are actually telling us that the house will be finished before Christmas now.

Now comes the horror of decorating. Eek!

Natalies Top Ten Nursing Tales.

This month, I have been a fully qualified nurse for nine whole years. I thought I would regal my many tales of hilarity to you.

I hope you're not offended by poo and bums!?

1. The man who I naively thought was having a seizure. Hey I was still only a student at this point in time. I held his hand for several minutes trying to ease his distress.
   
   He wasn't distressed
   
   .....Which became vividly apparent when it came to me changing his nappy. Dirty old fucker!
   
   
   
2. The old nun who died in the care of a male colleague. He felt that it was wrong for him to lay her out (quite rightly) and asked me to do the last offices. Unfortunately he didn't actually help me with my horrific workload and so by the time I managed to flounce into her room adorned with lovely smelling soaps and enough plastic sheeting to wrap the entire village, her legs were rigor-mortised in a 'Marilyn-on-the-grate' position.
   
   Cue many fears about me not being allowed to frolic in the kingdom of heaven with a half naked Brad Pitt because one of Gods disciples was buried in a Y shaped coffin.
   
   
   
3. The woman who thought it hilarious to pick small scraps of poo from her derriere , roll it between her palms and try and offer it up to various members of nursing staff as 'maltesers'!
   
   She nearly had one of the newly qualified nurses convinced. Nearly!
   
   
   
4. The worst trannie ever resplendent with bald spot , an Adams apple, feet borrowed from a yeti, James Earl Jones voice and to top it all off, a tattoo of a bald eagle on her forearm. She sat her 6'4" frame on the edge of the hospital bed and tinkled at the med students pathetic jokes while twirling her pearls between her gargantuan fingers.
   
   Brave woman but please....don't ever wear open toed sandals and NEVER name your new self after a character in Grease!
   
   
   
5. The patient with the penile implant. Some stupid arsed nurse (or nurse with an evil sense of humour) had written in the care plan (the plan containing all that needs to be done for that particular patient) to conduct neuro vascular observations including monitoring capillary return (touching the permanently erect 'thing' and monitoring how quickly the white skin turns back to pink..??!), checking for pulses (eek) and checking for sensory differences...ie "Sir does this feel different? How about this? No? How about when I touch it here?" This is all to be done whilst offering 'patient reassurance re: penile implant'.
   
   Hmmm, not exactly why I got into nursing and if I was wanting to go into 'that line of work' then I would be expecting a far better wage and a much more handsome (wipe clean) uniform!
   
   
   
6. The patient who came into hospital with a manky toe. The whole toe was necrotic (dead) and black like the peat bog man. One morning when I was doing his dressing, his toe FELL OFF in my hand.
   
   That was a very good day!
   
   
   
7. The man who after undergoing an operation to remove the 15 inch black rubber dildo from his rectum anxiously enquired what they had done with his best friend. He was terrified that the hospital staff were going to throw away his most prized possession and kept grabbing the nursing staff crying "I need that, but I need that"
   
   
   
8. The patient that came in with a necrotising fasciatis of his willy. They skinned him like a rabbit and took half of his scrots away. When I stuck my hand into his abdominal cavity to dress the surgical wounds (the cavity went all the way to his belly button) I wriggled my exposed fingers out of the other end of the wound.
   
   That was when my student fainted!
   
   
   
9. The little old confused man who went missing in the middle of the night. The police found him two miles down the road wearing nothing but his backless hospital gown baring his shriveled old bottom to the passing traffic and walking his zimmer frame up the middle of the dual carriageway!
   
   How he managed to get himself that far, we'll never know.
   
   
   
10. One morning when I was working in A&E a young man was wheeled into the department on his all fours on a ambulance trolley. His wife and two little blond haired kids came scurrying in after him.
    
    When questioned, the young man stated that he had merely been hoovering in the nude and had somehow 'sat on the dyson'.
    
    It didn't convince anyone!
    

Ten Good Boozers

As inspired by Jane...

1. The Ocean Beach Hotel, Cottesloe, WA. Or the OBH as it's affectionately known to the locals of Cottesloe. It overlooks the Indian Ocean, has windows that collapse in on themselves creating a verandah with which to catch the breeze
   
   
   The View From the OBH... the very beach that some poor old bugger got ripped in half by a great white shark in 2000! Ain't it beautiful?
   
   
2. Shoeless Eds Cantina Bar, Plymouth, UK. A bar decked out like a South American Whores boudoir!
   
   Jason and I having 'a quiet drink'! You can't see how brilliant this place was. There was a fountain in the doorway and various washing lines strung across the high ceiling decked out with lingerie. With every pint bought they would give you a free chilli tequila. It was NEVER a quiet night when Jason and I would go out!
   
   
3. The Highwayman Inn, Dartmoor, UK. I used to go the the Highwayman Inn with James. We would ride on his motorbike and then have a couple of their homemade ciders. James always said that the three birds that ran the place were white witches. I have no reason to disbelieve him!
   
   Especially when you walk around the pub and stumble across rooms like this one.
   ...or the one completely full with stuffed roadkill!!
   
   
   
4. Cafe Savannah, Ibiza. Ali and I would make an annual pilgrimage to the place. The sunsets were spectacular.
   
   The view from Savannah.
   ...I know, I can't help but take photos of the sunsets. I have albums and albums full of photos of clouds and pink skies. Thank god for digital cameras these days!
   
   
5. Little Creatures, Fremantle, WA. A micro brewery in Freo. The place used to be a crocodile farm hence the name. They make very fine pale ale and serve the best coriander and lime squid...
   
   
   It's a wonderful thing to be drinking in a place surrounded by beer vats!
   
   
6. Toko, Bournemouth, UK A very funky place set in the heart of Bournemouth. The place to go if you want to be part of the trendy set.
   
   
   The whole place is teeming with fishes. There are floor to ceiling fish tanks everywhere. I sometimes miss my old high heeled days.
   
   
7. Club Tropicana, Aberdeen, UK. Not exactly a pub but so fabulous I just couldn't miss it out! It's exactly what it says it is. An eighties inspired/themed club where you can purchase a grass skirt alongside your glass of beer. The disco lights are rubiks cubes and they will happily play you Boy Meets Girl or Pat Benatar!
   
   
   
   
8. The Waterfront, Plymouth, UK A place where Jason used to work when we were at Uni together. They would make cocktails and you could sit on the sea wall drinking them
   
   
   The view from the beer garden
   ...Until my ward managers (elderly) husband got incredibly drunk one Christmas ward night out. He went to vomit over the wall and the bouncers had to pull him back over the wall by his trousers!
   
   
9. The Oyster Bar, Fremantle, WA. There is no roof, it's practically on the beach and there are sunloungers and floor cushions lying about everywhere.
   
   
   Joe and I lazing on a day bed sampling the oysters. And beer!
   
   
10. EJ's, Torquay, UK. Back in my wild heyday. This was a place where it was positively encouraged to dance on the tables and graffitti on the toilet doors (the doors were painted with blackboard paint and there was a big box of chalk next to the bog...hmm, doesn't sound quite as great as it did when I was 21!)
    
    
    
    

Who Wot I Look Like....Proper!

My Chinese ex boyfriend always told me I looked like him!?

Tagged

Thought I had better come back to the land of the blog. Again. I can't help it, I'm just boring at the moment....

Right then. Thanks Moo.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag five people

A Short History Of Tractors In Ukrainian by Marina Lewycka


" 'She knew what he had to put up with'

The telephone spits and crackles with our rage.

'The trouble with you Nadezhda, is that your head is so full of nonsense that you don't know the real world.' "



...um, but it makes no sense out of context?

Why am I doing this again?

Pretty good book. Great character development and a jolly good read (or so the lady in the book shop told me!). It had me at the title!

I tag Shaz, Joe and whoever else can be bothered....

Gravity Won't Get You High...

Friday night watching The Grates perform.


Our gorgeous selves. Sober



More gorgeous selves. Tipsy



Even more gorgeous selves. Pissed!

(with an even more pissed boy in tow! Him and his sister were incredibly sweet)

And yes, I am very very sunburned. I forgot that the sun here can get you even if it is supposed to be only early spring!





Some chick who thought we were trying to flirt with her boyfriend until Joe told her (in her best Carry On voice) that she wasn't interested in her boyfriend (wink wink, ooh matron). The chick then proceeded to try and throw herself at Joe before flashing her boyfriend her boobs.

Everyone went home happy!





Sombrero wearing barman spanking non sombrero wearing barman. Why? We have no idea either.

Maybe we suggested it? That's usually the way we happen upon photos of people we don't know!




Oh my, Joesephina, aren't we attractive? Why I think I just want to kiss you..

It was the barmans suggestion. Honest. Why did it seem so reasonable at the time? "Hey Mr Barman, Can I take a piccy of you in a sombrero whilst you're slapping the arse of your mate?" "Of course, only if I can take a picture of you and your mate locking lips"!

See my dilemma?




Note To Self: Do not take diminuitive young bespectacled ladies post lung surgery into fierce mosh pits filled with sweaty pink boys with too much ear wax and who have a tendency to fling oversized pubescent gorrilla arms around as if one were playing helicopters as a five year old....

Sir, I have two words for you....BRUSH YOUR TEETH.



New Rules For Boats. Brilliant band. The fourth inappropriate cruch for the summer. I'm old enough to be the bassists mother (or the alcoholic older spinster sister of his mother, the one who dresses slutty and thinks she's all hip while asking after her neices and nephews sex lives causing no end of embarrassment in front of Great Grandma?!)



Man demonstrating lovely New Rules merchandise.



Another yummy pic of Benjamin the bass player...




And then the gorgeous and probably slightly deranged Patience charged onto the stage adorned in her best tutu and flailing a five metre ribbon behind her. She reminded me of how I used to dance in the 'alternative clubs' of Plymouth when I was eighteen! All stompy and hair everywhere.





Patience in her best party frock.

The Grates rocked. Shaz we missed you. Next time bird?

House Update, Part 317.

First the roofing timber went on....




Then the roof itself!

Then I tried to video the house for my mum...........




Don't blame me for being stupid!





Obviously Dave is a professional?

Inappropriate Crush For The Summer

Every summer there has to be at least one inappropriate crush. The idea is to find someone who you would never normally go all a flutter for but somehow you inexplicably go all giggly and gushy over whenever they appear.....

1; Dr Alan Roderick Statham. Green Wing. The 'rubbishest' man-stroke-lover ever but somehow I find myself all a quiver when I see him cavorting around his office in his pants....



2; Side Show Bobby. Australian Idol! He has the biggest hands I've ever seen on a singer! He replaces my crush of last summer, The Wiggle ...sigh...


2; Julia Zemiro. Swoon! What can I say? She had me at hello!!

FREE To A Good Home!

One male, one female. Both fully grown but youthful nature retained. Both housetrained (female could use a bit more training though). GSOH (though not entirely to everyones taste). Completely inoculated. Will take selves for walks.

Will do washing up for bed and board!

Cornetto Monkery

Part Three of Birthday Celebrations!

We sauntered down to the river on a perfectly sunny day to have a barbie (winter, my arse!) and stumbled upon this scenario. A couple of off duty buddhist monks enjoying a couple of ice cream cones in the shade of a gum tree!

I love this country!



The council here are rather splendid fellows and supply free barbies for people to gather in public places. I suspect this is the complete opposite of the UK where the council spends an obscene amount of money to keep people away from public places.

We couldn't resist the urge to sit by the river drinking wine and eating barbequed sausages.



Being an aussie male you have to pass two tests in life. The first is to be able to watch ET without crying. There must be NO emotions displayed if one has testicles. The second test is to be able to cook on the barbie with a beer in one hand. At every barbeque in Western Australia you will find the men-folk milling around the hot coals decorated with beers in stubbie holders and barbie tongs. Women are strictly forbidden to remain within two metres of the barbie for fear of retribution.



...Which is why this photo is a rare pic indeed. However, Michael can be forgiven as he is an 'Aussie In Training' and hasn't quite read the whole Aussie manual yet!



...And Chloe is allowed to be at the barbeque as she isn't yet five years old. Plus she cooks the best 'snags' this side of Wagga Wagga!

Coffin Dodgers...Yet Another Debauched Night.

Part Two of Bithday Proceedings....

The night started off demurely enough. We were spirited back to the 1950s for a rockabilly night where all the men looked like Elvis and all the women dressed like Betty Page.


(A creepy looking Elvis who insisted on following us around all night with the futile hope of getting a snog from one of us!)

However the peace was soon shattered when a man who looked like Sex Machine from Dusk til Dawn started a fight in the booth behind me. He launched himself at an unsuspecting fellow drinker and broke his nose. To add insult to injury he then grabbed my beer and threw the bottle at this poor guy.


...Covering me in beer in the process!

The bloody cheek of it. I know that guy had a broken nose but I. Was. Covered. In. Beer!


(Sex Machine. With Beer)

So I did what any unreasonable person would do. I ran after 'Sex Machine' to demand another beer and an apology. Now in the broad light of day I realise that this is not one of my smartest moves but I have been known to break men who are a lot tougher! My mission worked though as he apologised profusely bought a couple of beers for Joe and I and then my charms seemed to become extra-potent as he tried unsuccessfully to woo me!

He turned to me and uttered sotto voce "Don't tell anyone but I'm a prominent member of a local bikie gang called the Coffin Dodgers"


(not actually their real name but the name that I confused them with leaving a much funnier mental image of purple rinsed al' wifeys dragging their zimmer frames onto the back of their harleys!)

Me, " Ooh I've read about you. You're quite naughty"

Dramatic pause with eyes darting around room as if being watched "You're not to tell anyone"

Me "But you know I'll tell my friends!"

Him forcefully "No. Not ANYONE"

Me obliviously "But I will tell my friends"

Him dangerously "....No" and then came 'The Look'.


Shaz and Joe did a remarkable job of creating a diversion, saving me from his grubby clutches and dragging me away to the next pub. Safe again. Well as safe as you can be in the soiled depravity of Northbridge on a Saturday night.

All this and we didn't even get to sing bad karaoke in the sound-proofed rooms of the local Asian bar!