Pants On Fire...

Why do patients lie?

I don't care....for certain. I respect that people have lives outside of the hospital. What they tell us shouldn't make a difference in the way that we look after them.

Cue my latest patient....

ME: 'Sorry, I have to ask you some stupid questions...Do you drink? How much?'

HIM: 'ooh, about two glasses of wine a night'

ME: 'Cool, me too' (a total lie on my part, obviously)

(I then found him sneaking cider from a can hidden under his bed!)

ME: 'Do you smoke?'

HIM: 'Oooh, no. I gave up when I got diagnosed'

(for the record I do not look down on people who smoke. Especially those who have already been diagnosed with cancer. Its as if people think we should be hard on them because they smoke and therefore should try and stop them from smoking. I mean, what is that going to do? Make them NOT get cancer? Ridiculous!)

We ended the admission interview and resumed our respective roles (mine: fannying around trying to admit/discharge patients whilst holding sick bags under the noses of the sick. His: trying to figure out which way round a hospital gown wraps around the body!)

A couple of hours later I wandered into his room and sniffed the air. There was a definite fug about it. I have been to enough pubs and festivals to know when there is baccy smoke around (I've also been to enough festivals to note where and who is smoking ganja so as to stop, chat up, and bum some smokes from the offending air polluter...but thats another story!).

I theatrically sniffed the room and asked 'Sorry I have to ask but have you been smoking?'

HIM: Me? Oh god, no!...why, is that bad?'

ME: 'Ah, you know it's just that a single cigarette can blow the whole building to smithereens with the old piped oxygen and stuff...'

HIM: 'Aah. Do you think you could take me to the smoking balcony later?'