Courage

Now I can't say too much about individual patients of mine for confidentiality reasons but sometimes you can't help but have your heart broken. Occasionally you will look after a patient that you somehow will immediately hold in higher regard than the others. You're not meant to have favourites but I'm only human after all.

I remember the first one I fell in love with. It was before I became a nurse. I was still at school and working as a teagirl in our local hospice with Nicola. His name was Tom and Nic and I would mitch off school (sorry mum!!) and catch a bus to visit him at St Lukes. We would sit there all afternoon and listen to him telling us stories about his cats (hey anything to avoid Sociology with the pervemeister Jukes. Nic do you remember him trying to thrust his crotch at the class? Classy fella.). He was a beautiful man and we were devastated when he passed away.

I'm not sure what it is that draws me to some people. Sometimes all it will take is a look in someones eyes for you to develop a soft spot for them. With this particular man it was a throw away comment made by another nurse.

'I don't like 'X'. He's so rude so I told him that he can't speak to me like that' She said in a true 'Kath and Kim' style voice that would have been funny if she wasn't referring to a real person.

My heart instantly went out to this patient who after just being diagnosed with terminal cancer was not allowed to be a little grumpy. I was looking after him that afternoon so I went and introduced myself to him properly and asked how he was doing. He was obviously very withdrawn but had good reason to be. He had a wife and family that were his main priority until that point. Now someone had told him that even though he felt reasonably well, he was riddled and there was not much they could do other than pump him full of cyto-toxic drugs to prolong his life by a couple of months.

So I allowed him time to process his fate and I didn't force him if he didn't want to do anything that had to be done just because it was on 'my schedule'. I'm a terrible believer in hospitals being about the patients rather than the nurse. This is probably the reason for my terrible time management skills! Anyway he complied more with me than anyone else and after a few days, guess what? He wasn't a rude and unpleasant man as this other nurse had labelled him. He was intelligent and kind. (I love being right!)

When it came to the end his family camped out in his room and supported him and cared for him through the day and night. Their strength was amazing, but I suppose a natural thing to do when the husband was him. He passed away this week and hearing the news still felt like a kick in the gut.

I am so lucky to be doing this job (someone remind me of this when I'm complaining of stinky, pee-sodden confused old buggers next week) as the people I meet enrich my life so much. The bravery and 'you'll have to catch me first' attitude of these people astound me every time. I'm not sure that I could ever be that dignified and courageous if faced with the same. As someone once said to me I feel priviledged that patients and their families allow me to go through this journey with them.

Two of my friends are also going through a similiarly but separate shitty times. One as a relative and the other as a patient. I have so much admiration and respect for these two young women that I couldn't possibly put put it into words. All I can say is that I'm thinking of you both constantly even if I'm crap and never call!

K-I know you're still hurting. She'll always be with you. It just means you can never do anything naughty ever again. Say goodbye to the dreams of champagne and coke parties. She'd never allow it!

H2- Never accept a booking for the 'Hotel D'Anchor' again and for heavens sake, eat some licorice allsorts!