Sparkle

Things Sparkle has done which should have mortally wounded my credibility but didn't:

• Telling all of the hunky young guys who worked with her that I still hadn't been 'de-flowered' at a ridiculously old age (18)
• On meeting Dave for the first time she presented us with matching tshirts. His had a picture of me in a love heart and mine had a picture of him in a love heart. The pictures were placed on the left side of the tshirt so as to 'connect the picture heart to the real heart'. Thank god Dave has a sense of humour. He insisted on wearing it for the entire weekend! I still have my tshirt which I wear to bed sometimes. Much to the digust of the boy!
• Sending me to a famous choreographers dance workshop wearing a cheap copy of his famous dance fashion label. He spied the tshirt, threw a diva-esque strop and sent me to the back of the class! I never did get 'discovered' after that.
• Telling me, aged 7, that I was a fairy princess given to her by the fairy queen. I believed her and told all of my friends who laughed in my face. She still to this day insists this story is true!
• Convincing me to get my hair cut at the Vidal Sassoon cutting school and coming away with an 80's human league pink, black and shaved haircut which almost got me disciplinary action at work. However I grew to love it and my boss kept commenting on my lack of roots when I had been secretly colouring my roots! Thickies!
• Stating that she thought that my lovely first boyfriend Jon had far too skinny legs to be son-in-law material. I thought I would love him for eternity. She was, of course, eventually right! Who could seriously allow a skinny-legged man into their life and beach side fantasies?
• Making me 'perform' an impromptu tap dance for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. I wouldn't have minded so much but I was wearing a very flary dress circa 1991 and every time I spun around, the lecherous old geezers would wiggle their false teeth at me and wink in my pure and innocent direction!
• Making me a fabulously Madonna-esque outfit for the school disco. It was the 80's and she made me a black satin skirt with fluorescent pink netted underskirt (There may well have been lace fingerless gloves. Have tried to blot out the whole incident!). My 'mate' Kerry came to walk with me to the disco and when I opened the door she proclaimed in a very sneery voice 'I'm not going to the disco with you looking like that!'. Of course I don't blame Sparks now for she has so much more fashion sense than Kerry ever had (even though she ended up being a 'fashion mo-delle'....in New Zealand...the fashion capital of the world....for sheep!!)
• Insisted that I arrive at the Plymouth Hoe dressed in Fishnets and a leotard (in broad daylight, for god sakes!) to tap dance for Roy Castle as he was travelling Blighty with his Cancer Research bandwagon-type roadshow. We didn't dance for him due to lack of time but I did get a very fabulous ride in a hot air balloon (still in my fishnets and leotard!).

However I love her to bits. Could you imagine having a normal mum? How boring!!